How long Does Sympathy Last?

With most solid tumor-related cancers, there is induction which involves radiation and or chemo, along with surgery. Then we wait and see on scans, then if it hasn’t spread, you are home free. The only maintenance some cancers have is additional scans or meds like tamoxifen etc. for a few years. With multiple myeloma, there is an induction, a consolidation, and a maintenance. Followed by more maintenance, and more maintenance. You are on something until you are not. Once it stops working, and God forbid the cancer has mutated and become high risk, onward we go to the next treatment. Let’s not even chat about chemo-induced neuropathy. That is the worst! There is no bell for us! No one standing around waiting for us to ring the bell and cheer us on since we are cured!

My daughter sent me a small metal bell that I can ring, most likely for Mitch to bring me breakfast in bed, and not for the end of my treatment. There is silence, and maybe a hello, “haven’t seen you for a while”. OMG, no port? Ugh! How am I going to start an IV? This all begs the ultimate question. How long does sympathy really last? Does it last until you are cancer-free or in remission, or just go away the longer you are sick?

When friends and families first hear of your diagnosis, they are deliberate in making sure, they ask what they can do for you. My pet peeve. Don’t ask, just do something, anything. (See previous blogs “Did you really say that?”) Having said all of this, people actually go out of their way to treat you well and do special things. The longer the cancer goes on, the more sympathy seems to wane. If you get better, they forget you are sick. If you stay the same, they do not say much unless you look sick! I really need to learn the exact expiration date of sympathy! What if you continue being sick and need extra long-term care? What if you have MS or Lyme disease? These can be debilitating. People rarely see others struggle. But we do, constantly. No one sees the agony people are in.

I looked up the definition of sympathy in the dictionary: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune; understanding between people; common feeling. Then there is empathy. What’s the difference, you ask? Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, and most certainly glad you don’t have what they have. Empathy is more like you actually understand how someone is feeling and why.

Nowhere does it state how long sympathy should last! Should there be a manual for sympathy? What should be included in it? When should it be handed out, and to whom? How many times? For me, when someone has an acute disease or illness, you should send something, or drop something off depending what the disease or circumstances such as an accident. You certainly want to use your noggin and not send chili or hot soup, if someone has their tonsils out. Bring ice cream or popsicles etc. If someone is having surgery, waiting until they return home makes the most sense. If someone is hospitalized for a brief time, let them get home and then ask what they might enjoy. But make sure you really follow through.

Back to, we need a guide for sympathy. I truly believe we need a standard sheet telling us what to bring and for what and when people are sick. Kind of like the anniversary chart that Hallmark stores always keep. It tells you each number of years married, and the correct gift that is appropriate. For example: I have been married for six years. The traditional gift is candy or iron. Lord knows what I would do with iron. Maybe a weapon? Should we put this list together by types of cancer or diseases? Would it be appropriate to include the patient’s prognosis? Maybe a really nice catered dinner versus some homemade soup? Is that fair? If the person has a rare disease or cancer, do they get the special Michelin star dinner with gold leaf? If someone has a bunion removed, would they be entitled to dog walking service for a week or driving them to an apt? If someone is stage four or going into hospice, what do you bring? There really needs to be sort of a map that we could look up online to do the right thing.

Many of us do not do the right thing. We ask what we can do, but then that person says nothing. That is the response I used to give to people early on in my cancer journey. Now if someone asks, I literally tell them that food is appreciated. No one needs to wash my stinky socks or underwear! My husband walks the dog. I have a cleaning person. But how long will people ask if they can help? Again, what is the time limit on sympathy?

Should folks with multiple diseases get extra care? Do we keep a list of how many issues, surgeries, radiation, or chemo they have had? Do we just ignore them since we did something for them a while ago that was appreciated? What is the correct time limit for sympathy? I think that if you are friends with someone, you would go out of your way to continue to do things for them. Maybe not every week, but once a month, or check in with them to see how everything is going. People are just afraid to hear that people are chronically sick, or continuing treatment. People really get uncomfortable and do not know what to say to patients.

There currently is no Hallmark store that has this guide we all need. In essence, we just need to be more proactive. Maybe get a manicurist over to that really sick friend who hasn’t been out in a while. A lovely pedicure can certainly cheer people up. Drop off a random batch of soup. Leave some fresh wildflowers from a farmers’ market on their doorstep with a quick note, thinking about you. The point is it doesn’t have to be a huge grand gesture. I have been lucky to have received these multiple times. But keep it simple. I happen to have a roommate from college who is so incredibly generous, she always sends me things. She is present in my life. She actually sent me women’s Poise pads when I recently had viral pneumonia and was in the hospital. I needed those way more than flowers since I was trying to cough up a lung for three weeks. Use your common sense.

Lastly, there should not be an expiration date on helping a friend or wishing someone well who has a chronic illness. Even if you just text them once a month if you do not live in the area, that makes people feel like you care. Out of sight, out of mind doesn’t cut it. So, the next time you have a friend with an acute, or long-term illness, just do the right thing and drop a card in the mail. I know, what is that? Goodness knows how much a stamp costs, but Hallmark still has cards that you can send! We all need to be better people in general. Until next time, share something funny with your friends and family. Laughter is great for the soul and healing!

Best,
Cathy