Looking For a Gift? Try Cancer.

Many people say that “Cancer is a gift.”  I have read and heard numerous times that it is also a blessing. 

By definition, a gift is:

By definition, a blessing is:

First, for those who do believe it is one of these two things, God bless you. That is right for you and I would never want to take that away. So take a gulp, deep breath and read on if you dare.

I know what you are thinking. I do not agree with the above-mentioned statements. I am certain that those people who believe that cancer is a gift or blessing is due to them actually slowing down and taking the time to appreciate everything in their lives each day. That is very admirable. Personally I did not need a disease to cherish my family, friends, and be thankful for what I have. I am the one on the four-thirty am flights who is the only one awake reading the Wall Street from an IPad as not to disturb my fellow passengers. I know when I get to the second page, that the view and miracle is right outside my window. I appreciate the spectacular sunrises. This is a gift from God.

Let us start with cancer as a “gift”. According to definition, a gift is something given without payment or a present. So hypothetically, people that believe that cancer is a gift could be technically correct since I do not believe that God has ever taken payment for cancer.

Sorry to disagree folks. If it was a gift, I could do the following depending where it actually came from:

• Exchange it for a different size or type of cancer. Could I choose a smaller tumor, type of tumor, or say I would rather have melanoma or colon cancer?
• Return it depending on their return policy. Is it the normal 30 days? Alternatively, is it like Nordstrom’s that take anything back no matter how long ago you purchased.
• Is there a sale rack? Could I take it back and get a discount if I have the receipt? Do certain types of cancer go on sale more than others? Will I get email notices?
• Would it be rude to try it out and have it for a few weeks if I have an important event then return it? This seems a bit tacky. I have never done this, but makes some sense. What if you don’t like the type of treatments you are on? Would rather being taking oral chemo vs IV so you have plenty of time for the special event. What if the event is cancelled?
• Are there free alterations? Does the seamstress have great skills so as not to make me look worse? What shoes would be appropriate per cancer type? God knows that I had to stop wearing stilettos finally since having myeloma.
• Are their bonus points per sale? How do you redeem them? What is the criteria? Does it depend on how long you have suffered with this type of cancer? How many points does it take to get into remission?
• Do they take all credit cards? Will I get 5 X points like American Express?
• Is there a gift registry? I know there is a tumor registry. Can I send my cancer to another registrant? Can my family pick from the registry for me?
• Is there free shipping? Not sure FedEx or UPS has the capability of delivering.
• Are there personal shoppers to help you pick the right cancer for you? A cancer stylist would seem fabulous. Does it come with stunning jewelry? Do I need an appointment?

Now onto cancer is a blessing. By definition, a blessing is God’s favor and protection. Cancer does not  seem to fit here. How am I being protected? I have virtually no immune system at this point. I am susceptible to so many complications. The only protection I have currently is an N95 mask, gloves and a warden as a husband that will not allow me to venture anywhere but the cancer center. I could be convinced that cancer is a blessing if I suddenly hit the lotto and could retire and be blessed with my dream of opening a charitable foundation. I might feel that cancer is a blessing if it came with the ability to pass it onto someone new. To me blessings are never negative or scary. Cancer is flippin’ scary as hell! So considering what I have just said, here are the true blessings I count:

• My loving children and my incredibly handsome husband
• In spite of having a crazy mother, both parents taught me great values
• Having a wonderful support network of family and friends who have put up with me for years
• Finding a great rescue dog, Doughal Henry
• Amazing career in surgical device sales management with superb sales teams
• Great hair! Unusual eyes
• Superb bartending and cooking skills, (yes I tend to have a cocktail now and then, even though I give new meaning to the words “shaken, not stirred” being on steroids shaking like an 80 year old patient with Parkinson disease
• Dark sense of humor and chocolate
• Critical and strategic thinking skills post college
• Netflix, Prime Video, Plex, and Hulu
• Amazon Prime shipping that gets to your door in what seems like minutes
• Hand sanitizer & enough toilet paper to survive this Covid pandemic
• Great Manhattans, martinis, gimlets, and a super collection of bitters and wine
• Zoom happy hours
• Foie Gras (soon to be illegal again in some states) & Lobster
• Not having broken anymore bones since I have MM

Well, I am sure that you disagree with me, but that is what makes the world go round. Everyone has different opinions. I will leave you with this thought. Gift or blessing, you decide. I am truly grateful for what I have in my life. Except for the cancer! Until the next time, find something funny to share.

Best,
Cathy